I’m really beginning to get my knickers in a twist over men’s formalwear. The recent Academy Awards simply served to add fuel to the fire that is my ire.

Now, this isn’t the Globes, or SAG, or even the Met Gala – it’s the friggin’ Oscars, yo! And you know what that means? Men – put on a bowtie and a dinner-jacket (and I never thought I’d read myself writing this, but) and pants. Period.

I know that some of you are probably thinking that this is a perfect example of do-as-I-say; not-as-I-do; and normally I’d say you’d have a point (after all, I’m fat, gay, crazy, heavily medicated, and I’m invariably accessorized to the Gods; so my personal fashion stories are not meant to be copied). Rest assured, however, that were I to be walking the carpet at the Oscars, I’d be in a well-tailored dinner jacket and shoes so glossy you could see your reflection in them (as well as some well-considered jewels).

Also, if you are getting your tuxedo from a famous designer, odds are they will alter it for you. If not, spent the ducats and take it to a tailor shop.

And I’m not asking that the men resemble a flock of penguins. But throwing-on an ill-fitting suit and straight tie just ain’t getting it done. Frankly, if I was running things, I’d insist on hand-tied bowties; but I’m not.

Now, some guys can get away with things that others cannot. Johnny Weir, for instance… Of course, he’s a figure-skater, and gay – and as such dressed like a sparkling gay figure-skater. Go, Johnny; go! (That said, I wish his pants weren’t so bunched-up.) And Bill Murray looked rumpled and wrinkled (what my mother would call “fashrivled”) – but as anyone who saw him on Thursday at Kerry Simon’s FightMSA benefit can attest, he’s kind of a rumpled and wrinkled guy (and a comedian), so it kinda works.

Clever quirkiness also works – for some. Ezra Koenig from Vampire Weekend dressed very classically, with a pair of Gucci boat-shoes that worked, because of his band's preppy vibe.

Also – navy blue is a lovely option. Just look at Kevin Spacey or Jason Sudeikis. I have a midnight blue tuxedo that I had made (that I finally fit into again, after a half-dozen years), and I always feel sharp when I'm wearing it!

You want specifics? No problem…

There was Pharrell WilliamsLanvin shortsedo. Yes Pharrell, we get it – you’re a trendsetter and fashion-forward. But you know what? You’re not Little Patrick Dennis, and this isn’t Auntie Mame: It’s the Oscars – wear pants! It’s bad enough you’re performing in an Adidas jacket and Vivienne Westwood’s take on a RCMP hat (I’m picking my battles, here), but for Pete’s sake – pants, man!

Zach Efron was dressed like an accountant – which is fine, if you’re an accountant. His suit was blah, the pants were too shots, and he just didn’t look very happy to be there (at all). I get it, Zach – you’ve just been released from rehab. But you’re [supposed to be] a talented actor. Fake it!

Will Smith was another one. He’s rich, he’s famous, he’s handsome, and he loves fashion (as does his wife). So why then, did nobody in his circle tell him “Hey, Big Willie – You know it’s the Oscars, right? Put on a tie! And while you’re at it, lose the velvet slip-ons!” I’m not saying he didn’t look amazing; because he did. It’s just that he looked amazing for a night on the town; not for the world’s most-watched formal red carpet.

It’s like that amazing rant by the legendary Crystal LaBeija, in The Queen, where she is reading the young (and not up-to-her standards) Harlow, saying “Look at Harlow’s outfit! She can’t help it. ‘Cause you’re beautiful and you’re young. You deserve to have the best in life, but you didn’t deserve… Miss Dee! I don’t say she’s not beautiful, but she wasn’t looking beautiful tonight! She doesn’t equal me. Look at her make-up! It’s terrible!”

Because you just know that Crystal would’ve reigned supreme at the Oscars, Darling!

Men’s Oscar Fashions – 2014

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